Insufficient

March 19, 2025

Insufficient

As I am sure you have all noticed, it has been quite a while since I last wrote a post. I was looking back and counting my previous posts, and I posted 14 times last semester. I've posted twice this semester, and I only have five weeks left in Bolivia. Life has gotten busier, and this may sound bad, but I feel like there's been less to write about this semester. The structure that has been introduced at Familia Feliz has been great, but with structure comes less spontaneity and less opportunity for the abnormal. It's been five weeks since my last post, though, so I have plenty to write about.

Let's see, when I wrote my last blog post, Sierra was about to arrive. It was great getting to see her again. We thought she might give us more details about how things will be happening in the future, but we didn't hear anything. I was fine with that honestly because the truth is, knowing more details wouldn't have changed anything. Our focus needs to be on the here and now.

Speaking of focusing on the present, if I'm completely honest, it is getting harder to do so. As our time here rapidly draws to a close, my thoughts of home, friends, and family are becoming more frequent. But I know that if those good thoughts consume me, they will become a distraction from the work I am doing here. I really don't want that. It's something I have to be intentional about giving to God because it's only going to get harder as time goes on. I want to be fully present mentally here at Familia Feliz until the day I leave, but only with God's help will I be able to achieve that.

The past five weeks have been a blur. It was four weeks ago that we started the school year with the actual schedule. Every week feels the same now. Maybe that's a good thing...maybe it's not. I don't know. Thankfully, I am not a teacher because that very well could have burnt me out. I remember getting told in November that real teachers with real degrees would be coming in to teach the kids. Instead, we have two of the same teachers that we did last semester, the director, and six SMs keeping the school alive. I don't know how my fellow SMs are doing that, but I commend them, and they're doing a great job. It blows my mind sometimes just how much weight the SMs carry here. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn. It's just reality. We're the house parents, over half of the teachers, the cooks, the gardeners, the Sabbath school teachers, and the pastors. Most of us have at least two of those jobs. It's definitely not what we signed up for, but God knew this would happen, and He is helping us navigate this extreme change from last semester. I can't speak for the others, but I don't regret even in the smallest way coming to serve here at Familia Feliz. After all, one reason I chose this place was because I wanted something hard and challenging. I got what I asked for, that's for sure. But I am thankful and honored that God chose me to be here during this uncertain time. It's not entirely unlikely that we will be the last group of Southern Adventist University student missionaries to come to Familia Feliz. Pastor Byard Parks, the new student missions director at SAU, paid a visit to us last week to get a glimpse of life here. All of us SMs were very impressed with him. He seems like a really good fit for the position at Southern, and I am looking forward to possibly working with him in the student missions department next year. I was not told this by anyone, but I think he came for two reasons: one, to make sure all of us SMs were doing ok and feeling supported, and two, to help inform his decision on whether or not to send SMs here again next year. We got word soon after he left that Southern will not be sending another group of SMs to Familia Feliz next year. The reason for that decision makes a lot of sense to me. A permanent director still has not been found for Familia Feliz. Without knowing who the permanent director will be and his or her values, Southern does not feel it prudent to send another group here. From what I've heard, if a director comes along whose values align with Southern's, then Southern may possibly resume sending SMs here, but at least for next year, the decision has been finalized to not send anyone else. We might be the last student missionaries to volunteer at Familia Feliz. It's hard to wrap my brain around that thought, but at the same time, it makes me all the more grateful that I have had this incredible opportunity to serve here.

One last thing I wanted to mention before I go is the happenings at the Leones' house a few nights back because they were more eventful than normal. On Monday evenings, Teacher Juan and Emi go to town, so it was just me and the kids last Monday. I am not totally sure what caused this, but for whatever reason, the boys had a lot more energy that night, and normally, that would be fine, but my two oldest boys also had homework to do. Lots of energy and homework don't mix very well, so I was really having to push them to stay focused. It got tiring after a while telling them over and over again to sit down and write. It was simple homework, so they didn't need help, but it was time-consuming, and their motivation was long gone. Thankfully, the other three boys were more or less easy to handle. Not only did everyone have a lot of energy, but they were abnormally giggly that night, especially Benjamín. Their laughing and crazy antics were making me laugh too. It was strange. I was so tired and kind of fed up with the noise and raucous behavior of the boys, but at the same time, I couldn't help but laugh at them. It was almost like I tried to be upset at them, but I couldn't because they were so funny. After much coaxing, I finally got the younger three boys in bed, but Benjamín and Jesús still had homework to finish. Benjamín took a while, but he eventually finished. Jesús, on the other hand, got upset at his homework and how long it was, so he kept refusing to do it. I didn't have the energy to fight him, so I sent him to bed with Benjamín at 10:00 pm. Thankfully, the bitterness from the conflict with Jesús was overshadowed by the sweetness of the laughing with the kids earlier that night. It had been a while since I had had such an easy-going, light-hearted time with my boys, and it was great.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same about Tuesday night. It was by a good margin the worst night with the boys I've had since school started up again. Apparently, Teacher Emi has some sort of academic olympics this week, so she, along with Teacher Juan and their kids, has been going to town every night this week. I'm used to them going to town on Mondays and Thursdays, but their leaving on a Tuesday night was a surprise. I wasn't at all worried about it though, because I've watched the boys alone dozens of times. The night started out fine. They showered without too much resistance, we ate supper, and then we began worship. It all started while I was reading the story. Valentín was to my right looking at the pictures in the book. Benjamín was to Valentín's right, and he also wanted to see the pictures, so he moved in closer. Valentín did not like that Benjamín was so close, so he got up and started walking away. I asked him to come back because we were having worship, but he didn't listen to me. I walked over to him and told him we could figure out a solution but that he couldn't just walk away from worship. He didn't listen to me, so I gently took him by the hand and brought him back to the table. I asked him to sit down, but he wouldn't. Not knowing what else to do, I told him that I would have to take a video for Teacher Juan if he didn't sit back down at the table. Again, he didn't listen to me, so I took out my phone and started recording a video. (Quick side note: I really don't like threatening kids with a video for Teacher Juan, but Teacher Juan told Justin and me to do that if a kid was seriously misbehaving. I rarely have to do that, but in a situation like that, I felt like I had no other option.) As I was recording Valentín standing at the sink, I told him that if he went and sat back down, I wouldn't send anything to Teacher Juan. But by that point, Valentín was not in his right mind and determined to resist any request I asked of him. I stopped the video, but I didn't want him to get the idea that worship was optional, so I gently pulled him onto my lap and finished reading the story while he tried to wiggle and squirm his way out of my lap. Finally, worship was over, so I let him But alas! If anything, he was even more mad. I told him it was time for bed, but he replied with a harsh no, so I picked him up, brought him upstairs, and laid him in his bed. He immediately tried to leave. I knew that if I let him leave, he would go right back downstairs and sulk, so I told him that if he left his bed, we would have to wait downstairs until Teacher Juan got back. He was unphased by that consequence and defiantly got out of his bed. I had to follow through with what I told him, so I took him downstairs to wait for Teacher Juan. Within a few minutes, he realized that I wasn't kidding and that he was actually going to have to wait for Teacher Juan. When he figured that out, he completely changed his mind and wanted to go upstairs to bed, but he had made his decision to wait for Teacher Juan, so I wasn't about to allow him to just go to bed. Basically, I ended up staying downstairs with him for about an hour fighting him from going upstairs. The whole time he was not in his right mind and incapable of reasoning with. It was a nightmare for me and I'm sure for Valentín too. My shirt was soaked in sweat, I was exhausted, and I just wanted to go to bed. For some reason, the video I sent to Teacher Juan didn't actually send because of spotty service. I kept trying to send it until finally, at 9:50 it sent. Teacher Juan responded and told me to leave it for tonight and that he would handle it tomorrow. So all that time of keeping Valentín from going to bed was for nothing. Without a reason to fight him any longer, I watched as he went upstairs and to his bed. I felt like I had totally failed. Looking back on the situation, I know I didn't handle it perfectly. I let a power struggle begin, and I didn't know how to stop it. Even now, though, I don't know how I could have avoided it. Valentín was so bent on disobeying me that it didn't matter what I said. If I told him to go to bed, he didn't want to go to bed, and if I told him he couldn't go to bed, all he wanted to do was go to bed. How is a situation like that resolved? I don't have that answer. All I know is that I hated it, every minute of it. At one point, as I was sitting on the stairs to physically prevent him from going upstairs, tears started welling up in my eyes. I was reminded of the horror of sin and wickedness. It seemed like the devil had complete control of the situation, and I felt so helpless. I know now that ultimately, God was in control, but in that moment, I couldn't feel it. Thankfully, God brought it to an end, though, and the next morning, Valentín was back to his normal self.

It's crazy to me how one night can be so fulfilling, so full of laughter and purpose, and then the next night the complete opposite: crying, anger, and helplessness. If those nights were stopped, and the good night followed the good one, I could have talked about the goodness of God and His faithfulness to bring us through our trials. But no, the bad followed the good. What am I supposed to learn from this? I am reminded that I am so incredibly incapable of ministering to these kids alone. If I am to be even a small blessing to these kids, God is the only way that can happen. Maybe I needed a good helping of humble pie to remind me that I'm insufficient for this job and that I need to look to Him for help and support. Even if I don't know exactly why God permitted the fiasco that Tuesday night, I know that He can and has used it for my good. I realize more clearly my insufficiency and His sufficiency. Maybe that knowledge alone made all of this worth it.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Pictures

I came downstairs to see the boys "mopping" the floor. They were having a
wonderful time slipping and sliding and pouring water on each other. It
made me smile to see them having so much fun.

Peanut butter!! Sierra brought me a big jar
from Walmart. How have I gone so long without
the stuff? I thought I loved peanut butter in the
States, but it's at a whole new level now!

This is one of the best meals Teacher Emi has made while I've been here. The lentil burger had the
perfect crunch and was packed with flavor. Maybe it's just because I haven't had American food
in so long, but that burger might have been the best one I've ever eaten.

Kelsey's brother Nate came to visit us here, and he joined us
on our day off. We had a great time with him.

Our breakfast after hiking to the cross. All that
food was only for four people. Lots of avocado
sandwiches and french fries. It always hits the
spot.

Helping Jesús with his homework.

I left my bowl for 30 minutes outside one of
the houses on a chair, and somehow five
cockroaches found it. I was absolutely
appalled. I've never washed a bowl so well
in my life.

My boys and I found a scorpion while cleaning out a house.

This was pretty special. A perfect rainbow over the Guerreros' house during vespers.

One of the many kittens on campus right now.

I fixed Selim's hair with some of my hair
product for worship. He was very proud of
himself.

Kelsey's parents came to visit, and Hope and I
were invited to go with them on a full-day
pampas tour on our day off. It was a gorgeous
tour.

It's kind of hard to see, but there is a sloth in
that tree. That's the first one I've seen here.

Capybaras

These tiny monkeys came right up next to us in our boat. They even ate
bananas out of our hands. They were rather adorable.

We found a much larger monkey snoozing in
a tree.

On our way back down the river, we came to
the tree where we had seen the black monkey,
and another type of monkey was hanging out
next to the black one. Our guide says the brown
one is more rare to see because of how well it
blends into the trees.